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The only authorized and inerrant podcast of The Babylon Bee.

Nov 13, 2020

This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 11/13/2020.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week’s biggest stories like the pandemic being officially over now that Biden is President-elect,  Biden’s secret list of cabinet picks getting leaked by The Babylon Bee, and the party against fascism, the Democrats, are creating a giant list of enemies because that always ends well. Also, The Bee’s big ‘covfefe’ table book The Sacred Texts of The Babylon Bee Volume 1 is finally hitting the streets and we have weird news and glorious hate mail!

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Kyle and Ethan talk about why Kyle looked like a hobo last week, vacuum haircut devices as seen on Wayne’s World, the brand new The Sacred Texts Of The Babylon Bee Volume 1 available now and whether or not to accept the election results.

Stuff That’s Good

Kyle likes Dungeons & Dragons

Ethan likes Bear in the Back Seat by Kim Delozier and Carolyn Jourdan.

Weird News

“Bigot” has been given a new dictionary definition (NTB)

  • Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of ‘bigot’ now reads: "A person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group."
  • It no longer reads: “A person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.”

Woman arrested for pretending to be FBI agent and demanding free Chick-fil-A. She even talked into her shirt like she was calling backup. (NTB)

  • Authorities said Ragsdale kept up the ruse even as she was being arrested Thursday, at one point pretending to talk into a radio supposedly hidden under her shirt and urging the FBI to send someone to her aid, according to The Polk County Standard Journal, citing police. She also claimed her credentials were electronic-only when officers asked to see identification.
  • Can FBI agents demand chick-fil-a?

Russian scientists discover huge walrus haulout in Arctic circle

  • What the heck is a haulout - is it pronounced “haloot!” which is another word for Walrus dance party
  • There were 3,000 walruses found in Russia
  • The animals are believed to be going further and further south as scientists believe their habitats are warming and melting due to climate change
  • Is John Bolton among them? How is he doing?

"Hey, Siri … How old is the president?" Her answer might shock (and infuriate) you (NTB)

  • For some period of time, Siri would tell you how old Kamala Harris is… not Donald Trump or even presumptive President-elect Joe Biden
  • Kyle tried it and it worked

100 Year Old Disc Golf Player Breaks Guinness Record With Long Throw 

  • At age 90 set a World Record when he lobbed a disc at a distance of 189 feet
  • At age 100 threw a disc 189 feet for the over 100 age bracket
  • Shinn said he is proud of his world record, but he feels like he can beat it again 

Indian man builds 9-foot-long marker pen for Guinness\\\\\\\ record

  • This one is just to piss Kyle off.

Parrot returns to British  Owner speaking Spanish - four years after disappearing 

  • Nigel, a grey African Parrot, flew away from his home in California in 2010, but was returned to his British owner, Darren Chick, after he was discovered in Torrance, California. 
  • The bird’s British accent is gone, replace by fluent Spanish and someone called “Larry”

King of West African Tribe returns to gardening job in Canada

  • Eric Manu became royalty when his 67 year old uncle, Dat, passed away last year
  • He moved back to British Columbia, he has returned to landscaping and gardening in the town in a bid to raise cash for his 6,000 strong tribe
  • Manu hopes to improve healthcare with all the money he raises 

Stories of the Week

Story 1

Pandemic Officially Over

Summary: After almost a year of suffering under a devastating killer pandemic, America was relieved to learn that the pandemic is officially over after they saw huge crowds of people smashed together celebrating Biden’s apparent electoral win.

  • You still can’t go to church or go to a funeral, but hey!
  • People were celebrating in the streets in mass crowds when major news like the AP and others declared Joe Biden the President-elect on Saturday 11/7.
  • Scientists predict if Trump manages to flip the results COVID will return with a vengeance

Story 2
We at The Babylon Bee have acquired a top-secret list of Biden’s cabinet picks. Here they are.

Story 3

The political party vocally opposed to fascism, the Democrats, have begun creating lists of undesirables

  • AOC’s tweet
  • The Trump Accountability Project 
  • “Remember what they did,” the group’s sparse website declares. “We should not allow the following groups of people to profit from their experience: Those who elected him. Those who staffed his government. Those who funded him.”

Topic of the Week

The Sacred Texts of The Babylon Bee

  • Retrospective on the life of The Bee
  • Pull our favorite articles from the book
  • Read through some of the new infographics

Hate Mail

This guy really hates Jonah Goldberg.

Subscriber Portion


  • Behind the Scenes Update


  • Mailbag From 13yo Kaitlyn and Jana asks about our podcast diet.


  • Bonus Hate Mail


    • Cancel your own subscription!
  • Headline Forum - Subscriber Headlines of the Week


  • Got Any Cool Stories? / Calvin Update